I realize that 14-17 is a bit young to get heavily into drugs, or have access to them for that matter but if the houses at Hogwarts School were to be categorized as illicit substances…here are my thoughts.
Version 1:
I should note that my original theory was slightly different. This is exactly how I initially wrote it:
Ravenclaw:
- Wine: pretentious. remember how much their portrait hole sucks? and the ghost?
- Vyvanse: school obviously
Gryffindor: Frat, sport, party bros. roofies?
- Coke
- Beer
Hufflepuff:
- Whiskey: warm fuzzy and happy
- Green/Ganj: live by the kitchens, nice, greenhouse, sprout, chill as fuck
Slytherin:
- Vodka: death eaters have a Russian mobster/ Hit-man feel
- Acid: green room in a dungeon would look cool on acid. Acid is the less happy more chemical version of mushrooms in terms of Trippy drugs
Version 2:
Ravenclaw: Adderall/Ritilan/Vyvanse
- Why bother with cocaine if you don’t feel like partying?
Slytherin: Cocaine
- Which drug embodies all the intensity of Vyvanse but with all the weird darkness of ecstasy? Cocaine. Also helpful if you’re cramming for your next take over or hanging with your GOP pals. President Snow.
Gryffindor: Alcohol
- What do you need for a bunch of bros to RAGE, fist bump, and haze the balls off those pesky 1st years? Bud Light, Takka, Jello Shots. The best in sports, general competition, over confidence, and sluttiest women, Gryffindor is the frat to join.
Hufflepuff: Weed
- The world is just a better place when you are high. Conveniently located next to the Hogwarts kitchens, the munchies are no longer an obstacle leaving the chill as fuck Badgers to snack and cuddle together in their cozy common room. The head of house, Professor Sprout, appropriately teaches Herbology: making access to the green all the easier. Huffle-PUFFs teach acceptance, equality, and kindness rather than intelligence and ambition. Probably because they have been high since they were 11.
Here is a more detailed, first draft of these paragraphs that you can read on a word doc:
Painfully Average 