BLOG: THE MAGICAL MYSTERY OF MICHAEL SHEEN

In my previous post, I mentioned a future entry about my female celebrity crushes that I would attempt to get over my fear of vaginas in order to bang.

This is NOT that post.

Today I will discuss one of the most baffling unsolved mysteries of our time and give some possible answers. First, some background information. Meet Michael Sheen

• Typical Derpy English Guy Right? Since most people who read blogs don’t know jack about theatre, you might recognize him from films such as
  • Twilight Breaking Dawn
  • 30 Rock
  • If you think he wasn’t the werido in “Tron:Legacy”, think again
  • The Underworld Series
  • My favorite role of his: the douche in Midnight in Paris

Why should you care about this guy? What is the mystery?

Only this:

How has this average looking actor who has only appeared in random hollywood roles, dated some of the hands down hottest actresses that have ever existed?

The actresses in question are not only naturally beautiful, they have more fame than he does and simply bleed class/refinement. These relationships aren’t the fabricated-PR-based-6-month-long ventures; He knocked one up, and dated the rest for at least 2.5 years each. See Below:

1. Kate Beckinsale, 1995-2003 : They had a baby and still gush about each other-even if she cheated on him with the Underworld Director. 8 years with the love of my life (her) who has a body that can blind is still pretty damn impressive

   

   

2. Lorraine Stewart 2004-mid 2010: Long Distance relationship with the buxom English Ballet Dancer

   

3. Rachel McAdams, mid 2010-2013: Banged this jewel of Canada after their roles in “Midnight in Paris”

   

4. Sheen is currently dating the sexy Queen of sass, Sarah Silverman. She blushingly admitted to loving him, on a public talk show. This smitten kitten behavior is coming from a lady who says “Dick” at least 7 times a performance. Sounds like she has been tamed.

   

Normally I would say the strange trend has to do with the preferences of foreign women-Silverman nips that in the bud. Excluding drugs, blackmail, and mind control: I only have two possible theories on how he is pulling this miracle off:

1. His acting prowess causes these beauties to be wetter than Hurricane Harbor. I will say, after some research, his acting accolades border on the ridiculous. I think he did the lame films I mentioned just for fun/to put him in the same room with some solid hollywood ass; as he is host to over 30 theatre awards and screen awards. I am sure he has the gift to talk his way into/out of anything; if you watch that video he slaps Silverman’s ass on the red carpet without hesitation or admonishment. You know those guys who aren’t hot but become so attractive when they turn out to sweat wisdom and knowledge? (aka: the professor vibe that every good slut has been drawn to one time or another) (aka: the Bill Clinton). He has to be one of them. Confidence goes a long way, but it has to be authentic. Is just knowing the strength of his own acting chops enough to give him that strut? Or was he born with something else that sets him apart from other men?
2. His penis. The answer has to be that he has a magical penis making him life-changing in bed. Scenario: He uses his charm and skill to get them into his apartment and then his penis to keep them there…for years. I am not above his magnetic pull, of course. If underworld wasn’t enough, Midnight in Paris and 30 rock did it for me: I am Team Sheen. I just really don’t know why. Maybe they don’t know either. However, I will bet that dissecting their attraction to this man is not a priority for these beautiful women. I can’t fault them for this; after all, would you rather play detective on your subconscious or simply enjoy earth shattering orgasms? #Sheen

Whether it’s 1,2, or a combination of the two, Michael Sheen has some sort of cock/mouth magic that has quality hotties lining up. If you doubt anything I have said, read this article and know that I am not the only one who has pondered this mystery. At the end of the day, one thing is clear: I am single and would PAY HIM for the opportunity to sit on his lap.