Intro:
I have given myself 20 minutes or 2 glasses of wine to write this, 10 of which will be spent researching bra types, since the only ones I am aware of are sports, slut, and swimsuit top that you use as a bra since you haven’t done your laundry in a month.
*Sips wine*
Started at 5:30PM
Aries
Sports Bra
March 21-April 19
“The Original”
The stereotype of the Aries athletic chick who runs before and after work makes this an appropriate line item. Sports bras also function as windows to the noted sexuality of the female Aries. While I have heard more explicit summaries of her sexuality, “mission-oriented” is my favorite. If she wants it, foreplay is just annoying, and if you can’t rise to the occasion without a cuddle/grope, she’ll say one of her friends is having a panic attack and just do it herself and then laugh about it. Coincidentally, I, who happens to be an Aries, am currently wearing a sports bra that I bought when I was 16 and have worn a few days in a row. Rather than the hyper-sexualized focus, I am bound to offer my own personal explanation for unexpectedly fitting my pick.
- I don’t work out. Ever. With sports bras, you can repeatedly use them at least 5 times with no stink shame issue with hygiene (I made that up but I believe it)
- I smoke outside and nipping isn’t preferable so
- I keep the girls wrapped up so I know where they are at all times
- I haven’t been laid in a year so who gives a fuck
Taurus
Implants Shelf Bra
April 20-May 20
“The Ideal”
Every Taurus girl I’ve met (2, I’ve only met 2) has been a bitch so I went online to give me a quick description.
“Taureans enjoy relaxing in serene, bucolic environments, surrounded by soft sounds, soothing aromas, and succulent flavors.”
In the end, I chose shelf cut because Penelope Cruz, Cate Blanchett, Kirsten Dunst, and Renee Zellweger could all honestly rock it, and even the referenced bitches above were super hot so I get it. I hate the word succulent but fuck it, this also works. No-one wears a shelf and doesn’t at least do one mirror selfie.
Side note: do not Google shelf cut bra at work. For some reason, porn stuff comes up
Side note 2: I desperately wanted to put implants since one got a boob job at 18 but that really doesn’t count
Gemini
Corset Bra/Tied for Push Up Bra
May 21-June 20
“The Gift”
I thought the looking up celebrity thing would help but with Natalie Portman, Marilyn Monroe, and Helena Bonham Carter, the only similarity I could find is that I played a “bang, marry, kill” game with those 3 exact celebrities one time (see side note for results). Also that picture of Natalie Portman as Padma sort of influenced this. Also Gemini=twins=Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends=bunny outfits=corsets; I really am not that deep a thinker.
Side note:* Bang carter, Marry Monroe and when she OD’s/gets inevitably assassinated make sure I tricked her into not signing a Pre-Nuptial agreement, kill Portman because she’s too skinny to fuck and would yell at me for putting my trash bag on the balcony instead of walking 200 steps to the shoot
Cancer
Novelty Bra/Tied for Push up Bra
June 21-July 22
“The Pearl”
Celebrities: Meryl Streep, Courtney love, and Pamela Anderson
Not even kidding read those screenshots. Everything I read about cancer is like “flirtiest sign of the zodiac”, “most obvious sex appeal”, “most likely to slash your tires”. While I have the utmost reverence for Mrs. Streep, check out that photo when she was young and tell me she wasn’t rocking black weird thing and thigh highs under that class. Plus she is married to a sculptor and if you know anything you know she’s posed naked more than anyone should. Like Gemini, I would say push up, but I think they take it a step further into the “I took her for a drink and I guess she orders custom shit online that I can’t even begin to learn how to take off” level. Also from the three actresses listed, I get the vibe of “I either tie someone up or someone ties me up”. Idk why I have to add this but this fucked up book I am using for these references says “Sign of Sexual Deliverance”
Side note: why is this a website when I Google “hot Meryl Streep”
Leo
Plunge Bra
July 23-August 22
“The Knockout”
“Leo’s tits are legendary” is an actual quote that someone wrote in a book and had published. Our lioness comes with every descriptive, from mother to bodacious. Plunge bras are for the well-toned/symmetrical/can wear a deep neckline but not look like a hooker somehow. As tempted as I am to put something like “t-shirt” here since my mom is a Leo, I’ve got to be honest and say that lady was an A-cup through her first 3 pregnancies but literally with me, she went to a DD and still has better boobs than me.
“the knockout”
for the record, I had no idea what a plunge bra was, which shows how often I get invited to anything fancy.
Virgo
Halter Neck Lace Bralette
Aug 23-September 22
“The Vessel”
While Virgo men are notoriously OCD, “earth mother” is a term frequently used in my 3 searches I just did. That, coupled with “the vessel” and “Virgo woman is BUILT”, lead me to lace bralette. Its versatility is telling, as Virgo woman represent duality in their associated mother/virgin archetypes. I believe this translates to the versatility of the bralette – can be good for everything from nursing, to being flat, to wearing as a shirt at concerts, a see-through sex thing, to being used as a bra at work realizing it doesn’t work so you fold toilet paper into 2 squares to add a coverage layer and rock it the rest of the day. Another reason is if you want to hide a bag of weed and not cut the fuck up your nip, this is the way to go.
Dirty hippies who look like they work out even if they don’t and who everyone wants to get pregnant. I seriously honest to god love them so much. literally, my brother and 3 of my best friends are Virgos. I only have 5 friends so.
Libra
Strapless
Sep 23 – Oct 22
“The Charm”
Strapless is because I don’t understand those bras, and I don’t understand what I’m getting off of the libra read through. Gwenyth Paltrow and Jenna Elfman also don’t make any sense to me. Their movies and acting are mostly garbage but I would still take them on a date and sit through their insults so I have no idea. That being said, they can rock a strapless so I am going with the feminine, air, balance/scales aspect to this choice. Which, apparently fits because whenever I wear a strapless bra that thing is migrated to my waist giving me a quadra-boob in less than an hour=whatever the opposite of the previous sentence is.
Scorpio
Sheer Bra with underwire
October 23-November 21
“The Specimen”
See above text message from my favorite Scorpio
Celebrities: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Wynona Ryder, Jodie Foster, Demi Moore – none who I want to imagine naked but it’s probably because I’m intimidated by petite people who could beat me up
While the description “lean and sinewy, but at the same time round and meaty” is no help at all, Scorpio is literally the sign of sex and death (look up your houses bitch). I can get the smoldering description. While the boob sizes vary from small to large, a woman who has an active sexual appetite can appreciate laying it on the table. Sheer says it all whether it’s a secret under the boring necessity of work clothes, or the joy of a hook up that doesn’t have the perpetual bummer moment of disappointment when he unhooks your pushup bra and it turns out to be a lie, the sheer lace gives the message of I’m here I’m hot and You love what I have. Also, if you’re into drugs, these supportive underwears supplies that extra stimulation for all day wet these ladies dream of.
Sagittarius
Braless Bando
November 22 – December 21
“The Maven”
Fun fact, the only 2/3 times I explored being a lesbian (lasted a weekend each) were Sags. Not because of any butch reasons, they just had the “I don’t know whats happening but I am going to let you drive this train” effect on me.
I switched to vodka sodas an am too lazy to google and pretend I have any idea who Margaret Mead, Didion, Alcott (little women lady?), Powell are but Jamie Lee Curtis & Felicity Huffman are on there. Not really supporting my “not butch thesis” but. Jane Austen, our perpetually secretly sexual feminist though.
Ok, I skimmed the book and saw “provocative forehead” so no but I also see archer, centaur, and chill a lot so bando it is. If you’re busy changing the feminine ideals of the age, you don’t want to fuck with anything complicated.
I included the naked protester with the black block out bar since it looks like a bando
Our mysterious Sag rules the age range of 56-63 and there’s no way in hell I am wearing a bra no matter at that age/when I am SAG city (pun)
Side note: What the fuck does the sign of maven hood mean? All I can think of is the good sister but also witch from sleepy hollow that scares Johnny dyke Depp
Capricorn
Front closure traditional (not the hot kind)
December 22-January 19
“The Sleeper”
This is my moon so I am obligated to say “sea-goat” – the body of a goat and tail of a fish. Also, I have a special soft spot for the term, the sleeper, since I hide my phone under my bed, nest hard, and don’t smoke, drink, or exist outside my bed for Saturday and Sunday.
In general, again from not that much research, Cap chicks are not one for attention. They want you to leave them alone unless you’re an employee and you have a coffee for them. The “Sign of Sexual restraint” is not wrong, as Caps are one of the least sexual signs of the zodiac. Joan of Arc, Diane Keaton, Maureen Dowd are the OG’s of “fuck this, I’m busy”. Therefore I am going to go with the OG DIY front closure. 1. Because if you work from 5am get out at 8pm go get tanked while blogging at the same hypothetical gay bar, the last thing you want to do is have to lean over the bed struggling to unhook the padded 32A bra you bought when you were 17 when your friend who wasn’t from a Catholic family made you go shopping. Also if a Cap were to indulge in sexual activity, maybe for as little as the experiment of it, it’s easy to put back on if your tinder date is going at it in his jeep at a 7-11. Or if you’re on MDMA. Whatever. Efficiency over aesthetics.
Side note: Voldemort was a Capricorn. Take that as you will.
Aquarius
Longline Bra
January 20-February 18
“The vision”
“grace personified”
water bearer
Christina riccie, heather graham,
Most humanitarian
Longline bra
Fun, and I can see yoko ono AND ricci rocking it
side note I had no idea wtf a cage bra was and ive literally bought lingerie from condoms to go
Pisces
Cage Bra
February 19-March 22
Two fish
Pisces are FUCKED UP
Anything that include Sharon stone & cathly Ireland is the sign of sexual asylum and says “she moves in such a way you think shes popping valium”
I get it, you would have to be smooth as fuck sober or wasted to figure out/not break a cage bra in the first 10 min/first laundry cycle. Jennifer love huge tits would and has rocked this (heart breakers sploosh)
Getting a very druggy ballet gorgeous vibe. So I assume they are also on the epic level of being able to maneuver this shit
Update**
Ok it’s 10:14 This took me fucking way too long but i have excuses
To be fair I am at a gay dive that, though planning to go home after work, quickly realized I left my credit card there after lunch.
Then there were numerous distractions:
- My drug dealer/advertising client called to make me check out a new rapper
- One of my best friends went full stalker on his gf, she tried to dump him by ghosting him for 2 weeks sending him into an honestly biblical level tail spin which ranged from “shes pregnant, has cancer, was raped” as excuses and when she finally calls him back telling him shes been trying to dump him, he begs her and she takes him back. Which is fine, but my limit is reached on responding to texts like “I haven’t heard from her and friend requested her family and friends, I should probably show up on her porch without invite right?” (they’ve been dating less than 3 months)
- Also watching SVU, what do you want from me
I dont feel like finishing I am 4 vodka sodas in but ive got the pics saved and ill ginish tomorrow
Best bra for your zodiac sign
https://www.one-tab.com/page/a79qfpA3R8mrxz3AAv58JA
Painfully Average 